I have an image stuck in my head - to be more accurate it's not an image: it's my dimensions, my spacial occupancy of the air around me. This image has nothing to do with reality: I do not see my real image, I cannot see my real me - I'm just unable to do that.
I bump into things, all the time. I've been this big roughly for the past 10 years (and been a really big person for the previous 30) and I *still* bump into things because I think I'm skinnier than what I am.
Sometimes it's almost funny: I wake up, put my feet down and sit on the bed, with the quilt wrapped tightly around me; then I get up from the bed and I look at the imprint my butt left on the quilt and mattress - it's huge! I mean, huge! I have no idea.... really.
Photographs and selfies are incredible: I look at my photograph and I always think that I cannot be as big, it must have been the angle of the pic - I'm not that big even in the mirror!
Two days ago I came across a picture I took last month to show off my new haircut (yes, I've gone blonde!). Looking at that picture intently I could not believe it: I could recognize the face, but that was about it.
As a picture it came out well: I'm wearing lipstick, my hair looks great, I am wearing my favourite blouse, all is good. Except... I look like three times the size I think I am!
So I've asked my boyfriend to look at it intently and tell me: "Do I really look like this big?" and his very simple answer was "Yes, you do - what did you think?". Crushed - it took 43 years, now I get it.
I will use that picture as my "before" picture, when I'll post my "before - and - after" pictures.
It will take some time though - I need to reach a point where I am not ashamed of how I look.
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